WE'RE ALIIIIIIIVE!

What’s up bitches? Sorry for the absence. I know how much you have all missed me paahaha. No but really, no need to cry anymore, I’m here –despite the rapture. So celebrating our survival I thought I’d write some love/hate for a film.

Most of my life is filled with watching films so anytime I want to write about one it’s soon forgotten about because I’m already onto my next one. (Worthy note: I’m unemployed)

I’ve also been super into TV series rather than films. From the sublime: Criminal Minds (OMG ha-mazin), to the disgustingly bad/good: Made in Chelsea.

The only film I have watched recently that really sticks out due to the hype is The Human Centipede: The First Sequence.

The name reminds you of a film made for TV by the Syfy Channel. I especially wanted to see it because apparently people like proper spewed from watching it. LOL. Let me put it to you straight, the two American girls are terrible actors. Like please-kill-me-now bad. Funnily enough that made me warm to the film more than I had anticipated. Perhaps they were deliberately bad so you can’t wait until their mouths are attached to someone's butthole.

So there is a surgeon who is German (it’s set in Germany –funny that) who is obsessed with creating an organism of three working bodies joined to each other ergo the human centipede. His first attempt was with his dogs, it's suggested he loved them more as a chain of dogs than individually. So being Sherlock-clever we immediately get that this guy is mentos. The death of the dogs should have really rang home that it is not a suitable living situation. But he decides to take it a step further…the mad scientist that he is.

The mind numbingly twattish girls stumble their way to his house having broken down nearby. So he's like 'omg is it my birthday?!' two people to join together. Anyway things get a little freaky deeky, and suddenly I’m breaking out in cold sweats. The girls stop being bad actresses and this dude looks mental so it feels pretty real. Minus the pretty. He turns his basement into a hospital ward, the patients are drugged and chained to the bed. He then –excitedly- starts to tell them his plan. As hyped up as a toddler using their potty for the first time; weirdly proud. It turns out to be a Korean man at the front then girl, girl. Their mouth is attached directly to the person in front’s butthole. The make-up is very realistic, it’s not overly gruesome which is more authentic. Exactly what you want to believe the whole thing just a touch more.

So things happen and the ending makes you get a sinking feeling in your chest. From what started out as a typical bad Hollywood horror movie turns out to be a heartfelt insight into madness and human nature. I really enjoyed it and would highly recommend. It’s not as gross as people make out. It’s more heart-breaking than anything. Empathy is required to enjoy this film to the fullest.

I give this 5 dead canines out of 5.